What happens inside you when you read this word, intimacy? 

I have come to really love this word. I like the sound and feel of it. And sometimes I’m reminded that it wasn’t always so. There was a time when I thought that intimacy meant sex, and just hearing someone utter the word would make me turn red. And for a long time I didn’t even have an embodied knowing of what intimacy could be like, although in reality I was on a quest to figure out. You know that kind of chaotic and often messy process where you don't realize that you're in one half the time? And only later can you see what it was all about? Yes, it was one of those. I know that my past Self would have loved to hear that she was indeed going somewhere worth going: "You are about to discover what intimacy really is, and it will keep on enriching your life more than you can imagine right now." So I wrote this blogpost for her and anyone else who may be on that kind of quest. 

Led by the longing.

I used to be bugged by a particular type of pain. A kind of empty, regretful feeling. It took time to even become aware of it because I'd gotten so used to it. And once I did become aware, it bugged me more and I couldn’t keep ignoring it. I was compelled to figure out what to do about it. Now I know it as the pain of not honoring my integrity in relationships. The pain was my longing for intimacy, and over the years I've used it as a guide. It keeps on taking me to great places.

There is a quality of connection that allows both people to be themselves and to feel relaxed about it. To me this is what intimacy is all about. To really meet each other where we are at. To have an exchange of what’s alive in us in the moment, whatever it is: “I’m feeling a little nervous..” or “apprehensive” or “shy” or “curious / brave / proud / self-conscious….” and to receive each other with compassion and curiosity. I live for that quality of connection! And in fact, all the wonderful things I enjoy doing with other people grow from there whether it’s sharing a meal with friends, chatting with a stranger on the bus or being sexually intimate with my lover.

A place to become who I really am.

I’m grateful to intimacy because it lets me reclaim the parts of myself that I would otherwise keep hidden. To break through the barrier of what I believe is socially acceptable about me, and let someone else see and appreciate it. We all hold parts of ourselves back because we believe they won’t be accepted by the world. And in stead of showing up with our authenticity, we wear the masks we have formed to fit in to the world around us. I sure have had my fill of wearing masks!

I used to be so afraid of acting outside of what’s expected, or acceptable in someone else’s view. Until the pain of not honoring my integrity became bigger than the fear. And then I got really f-ing tired of wearing all the masks, and of being watched by a self-imposed inner critic more or less constantly. There is great momentum in reaching that point when you’ve had enough, you know. As I’m writing this I remember how intense it used to be, and although I’m not “done” shedding the masks, they don’t dominate my life anymore. The comfort of staying safe and small can’t compare to the aliveness and freedom I get from acting in integrity with who I really am. And at some point that became my preference. I don’t know when it switched, but I’m going to share how.

A new way to do relationships.

Discovering intimacy has been a shift from looking outside for clues about how to behave, to looking inward. And that started when I began to really care about what’s going on inside me: how I feel. I wanted to be able to be friends with myself, whatever I was feeling. The relationship between myself and I became important to me. I slowly formed a commitment to myself: to replace self-judgement and its companions with self-compassion. My capacity to be present with my feelings and to appreciate my basic human needs started to expand. Only later did I realize that this is what it means to be intimate. To look into the other and say yes to what’s there, even when “the other” is me.

This process between myself and I began to role-model and transform the way I did relationships with other people too. I realized that it’s in the company of likeminded people that I can extend this way of relating into the world with others. Exploring how to express myself in a more authentic way is making life as a relational human being an exciting journey of Becoming. All thanks to discovering the compelling nature of intimacy. I’m not saying it’s always easy, or that I’ve stopped wearing the masks. I still wear the masks at times. They have their role to play in my life, and I’ve come to appreciate them for what they can do for me. I’ll share about my relationship with them in another blogpost soon!