Are you on a journey of reclaiming your authenticity in relationships, and beating yourself up when your default patterns get the best of you? This blogpost is for you!

I don’t know how many times I’d resolved to never again say yes when I wanted to say no. Only to catch myself doing it again moments later… and telling myself, “How come I’m here, again?? I should know better than this!” I’d feel so frustrated and disappointed when I could see the patterns so clearly, and not be able to change them. I resented the patterns, and I resented myself for having them. My inner critic was loud! Thankfully, it’s not that loud anymore. Not since I started listening for what it’s actually trying to say.

Changing the way we do relationships is challenging enough in the first place, and we don’t need that added burden of harsh self talk. This is something I’m so passionate about, because I deeply value each and everyone’s effort to outgrow anything that’s holding us back from shining. It’s how we evolve as individuals and as a collective! So, in this blogpost I’m sharing how loving your inner critic can both relieve you of that unnecessary burden and simultaneously empower you to be your true Self more in your relationships!

What I mean by “loving you inner critic” is that you acknowledge it for what it is, and start listening to what it’s actually trying to tell you.

Wired for connection

None of us are born with any kind of self-talk. Whatever way we speak to ourselves is a product of our interaction with the environment, and that starts from day one.

We enter our human existence as vulnerable babies who’s survival depends on others to love and care for us. Not just the survival of our physical bodies, but also the uniquely playful, vulnerable and loving beings that we are. If you consider this, needs like acceptance, emotional safety and authentic self-expression are just as important as physical nourishment and personal hygiene. Without the capacity to move our bodies by will, or express ourselves verbally, we depend on others to recognize what needs are alive in us in any given moment, and to help us satisfy them.

We crave the kind of connection that is truly attentive, compassionate and curious, because it’s in that relational “space” that others can make sense of what we’re trying to express. When we are met in that way, we learn something really valuable: it’s safe to be ourselves fully in that intimate relationship, and it’s safe to have all kinds of feelings and needs. Whether we’re happy, sad, hopeful, impatient, excited, giddy, apprehensive, afraid or angry, it’s all welcomed inside of that yummy relational space with someone who’s tuning in and embracing our every experience and expression. We get to belong as the authentic version of ourselves.

Internalizing our environment

The reality is that we aren’t always met in this way. Being a parent is hard work (I know from personal experience!) I don’t know if it’s possible to live the so-called modern (busy) lifestyle and be attuned to a child’s experience all the time, not to mention having the capacity to always hold space for their feelings. And then there’s the culture we live in, which teaches us to respond with judgment and disconnection toward certain feelings and ways of expressing oneself. Every parent is a product of that culture in their own, unique way. In some families anger is the “bad” feeling that gets suppressed (don’t be a bad person!), in others it’s sadness (be happy all the time!), in others it’s fear (don’t be a chicken!), or excitement (be self-contained, and don’t act out of control) or even playfulness (don’t make a fool of yourself).

Such responses aren’t always spoken. They may come in the form of the parent ignoring, or becoming angry, or interrupting the child’s expression in some way. What these responses have in common is that they are devoid of the open-hearted curiosity that seeks to see and hear what the child is actually feeling and needing. Instead of leaning in to connect with what’s really going on, the parent is leaning away and to the child, that means that they are withdrawing their love and acceptance for what’s alive and being expressed in that moment.

Adapt to cope

Being met in this way is not just painful to a child. It feels dangerous, because it means they become separate from the adults that they depend on and whom they want to keep close. That’s how we learn to adapt our outward expression according to how we’re received. When certain ways of being our own spontaneous self (expressing sadness, excitement, joy, anger...) causes significant others to disconnect from us, we suppress those ways in order to stay connected. The result is that we are fitting in, but at the cost of our authenticity. “It’s not ok to be who I really am, so I’ll be who you want me to be”. That recipe for relating becomes the foundation for how we relate to other people in life, especially our intimate partners.

Whatever we perceive that the outside world requires of us to be, do and have in order to fit in, becomes the beliefs, ideals, demands and judgments by which we relate to ourselves, commonly known as the “inner critic”. It’s there to protect us from getting hurt by others in that way again, and it does so by making us turn against the parts that seem unworthy of love and acceptance. It makes us collaborate by shaming us into thinking that those parts of us are wrong and bad, and with time we become identified with its voice.

Weaving a new pattern for relating

So when you want to reclaim your authenticity in relationships, and the inner critic is making it difficult, consider this: This judgmental troll with its many heads actually is the best guardian angel your younger psyche was able to conjure: Its job is to ensure that you continue fitting in as you move through life, and it designed your default patterns for that purpose. Whenever you’re tempted to walk a little off course, it’s there barking its criticism in order to scare you back in line. Because it knows that as long as you stay in line you’ll be safe. And that’s all that matters. To the inner critic.

But You want more, right? You want to reclaim the freedom to be everything that you are, and relate with other people as that. So how can you change things around?

When you find yourself in a situation where your default patterns get the best of you, assume that there’s a reason for it. Consider that some younger part of you is scared, and try to put yourself in their place. Something about the situation reawakens the fear that they won’t be accepted and loved. Just by doing this, you’re giving the inner critic some recognition, and it will calm down a little. It’s like you’re saying, “Okay, I hear you. Something about this makes you feel scared.” If you’re in a space to willingly add, “Please tell me more. I’d love to understand you better”, then true magic can happen: By leaning in with loving curiosity you become the ideal parent that was missing all those years ago, and which the inner critic has tried to compensate for. When you do this, you reparent those aspects of your inner child that were ostracized and safeguarded by the inner critic, and it can take a much needed break. And You get to rediscover and reclaim the parts of your authentic self that are longing to be loved.

This is a short summary of a process that requires time, effort and support. I hope you're feeling inspired to get started (or continue!), because it is SO worth it! And if I can do it you can too. Although the work may be emotionally challenging at times, cultivating the capacity to lean in with loving curiosity brings so much peace and freedom to your life. The sweet thing is that, the way you relate to your inner critic is how you’re going to relate to everything and everyone else too. Just imagine being more in love and compassion with yourself when you relate to others!

Love, Marthe :)